


my heart did expose

by wizardcleric



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Essek has trouble expressing his feelings, Essek's first sunrise, Established Relationship, Forgiveness, Gender-neutral Reader, Hurt/Comfort, Light Angst, Other, Reader-Insert, Reaffirming Love, Self-Worth Issues, Spoilers for c2ep97, Teen and Up Rating for the use of the f-word, slaps roof of Essek, this bad boy can fit so much love in it
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-22
Updated: 2020-12-22
Packaged: 2021-03-10 18:54:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,726
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28241970
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wizardcleric/pseuds/wizardcleric
Summary: With the rise of a new dawn, a new chapter in Exandria's history, two lovers find each other and pick up the pieces. They could make this work.(Intended as a continuation of "we are matter and it matters", but it works perfectly fine without that context.)
Relationships: Essek Thelyss/Reader
Comments: 2
Kudos: 37





	my heart did expose

**Author's Note:**

> Uh oh! It's Essek loving hours again, babey!! I wrote this at 2 am with very heavy feelings in my chest. What can I say except... enjoy lmao

It had been the softest display of color he had ever seen.

Reds, a hue more akin to the pinks Jester adored, mingled with orange that reminded of Caleb’s hair. There were traces of blue, still, in the sky, the kind you found on Beau and Yasha. Green like Fjord’s skin were the canopy of the trees that he was looking over. The now reddened sun arose slowly, saying her hellos for the day at an achingly timid pace until she would inevitably turn bright yellow, just like Veth’s dress. Gold. The brightness reminded him of someone he held dear.

He wished the sun would stay away. Just a little while longer.

Though he hardly had any right to make wishes.

The wind brushed over him so gently, so sweetly there was affection hidden in nature. Healing, peace, tranquil. All as if he were deserving of it after all he had done, the trust he had abused. He drank in all the light, in moderation.

He was simply afraid to face it all.

Essek basked in his surroundings, the man usually so guarded did not, however, notice the familiar figure creeping up to him until they moved to sit down next to him on the soft grass. They had blended in the with the melancholic comfort of the scenery all around.

He almost jumped when you spoke.

“You know, I wished I would be the one to witness your first sunrise with you.” There was sadness lacing your words and he felt a pang in his chest at the thought that he was the cause.

“It’s not too late though, is it?” He dared to glance at you. Your eyes were trained on the soft glow of the sun in front of you both.

There was the slightest quirk in the creases of your lips. The beginnings of a smile.

“I guess.” You let out an amused huff as you eyed the rising sun. “We missed my favorite part, though.”

There was a twinkle in your eyes. He remembered what you spoke of. You had mentioned it to him a while ago when he had asked about the feeling the sun gave you.

“If I recall, ah, you said you like it best when the sun is just about to show its face.” He said more to himself than you. You knew that already, after all. “You said you like the sense of change, the hope it brings you.”

You had said that. An affirmative hum sounded from next to him.

And then there was silence for a bit, though not in his mind.

Essek’s thoughts were running rampant. He yearned to speak, yet the feeling of utter _helplessness_ did not allow for it. The air was thick, though the scene seemed tranquil. It was unbearable.

“You know.” You piped up after a few moments. “I think I’ve known for a while. That you were Dezran Thain, that is.”

He looked over in surprise and your eyes locked. Familiar, secure, a connection he knew not how to live without anymore, did not _want_ to live without.

Fear and confusion clawed at his mind without mercy, the shame of his deeds swallowed him whole.

“You did?” He asked, a bit dumbfounded. “How?”

“Quite easily.” Your gaze did shift to the floor, then. “No one else looks at me with so much love in their eyes.”

Oh.

_Oh._

The sudden blankness that spread in his head upon your words did not help his speechlessness. If anything, it worsened it. He felt the need to say something yet there was nothing he could find the resolve to say except…

“Why?” _Why didn’t you say something, why didn’t you make me confess, why did you stay, why, why, why?_

You had blinked at him before your expression melted into understanding. It was typical of you, really, understanding him and his thoughts better than even he himself sometimes did.

“I did not want to push you and frankly?” You held eye contact so unapologetically. “I kind of wanted you to tell me first. I wanted to see you trust in me.”

And that didn’t happen. That much was clear.

He knew he had fucked up; he had fucked up big time.

He just had to fix it. Somehow.

As if you had sensed his distress (something you were infuriatingly adept at), you took his hand in yours as a smile graced your features.

It was that warmth that made his mistakes hurt all the more, the aching shame that burned through his skin. He wasn’t worth it, he wasn’t worth your presence, your warmth, or your smiles as he was. He deserved to remain in the darkness he was born in. It was a darkness he was fit to return to.

“Essek, would you indulge my questions?” You spoke timidly, gently, breaking him from his spiral temporarily. That smile did not leave your expression.

_Anything for you_ , he wanted to scream, to shout to the heavens.

But all he could manage was a nod.

“Did you ever love me or was I wrong about your gaze?”

_Words cannot even begin to describe the love I feel for you,_ he wanted to wail.

_I would throw away all I have for the chance to be with you,_ he wanted you stop your doubt.

_But I am too much of a coward to follow that path,_ he wasn’t worth the love you gave so freely, so deeply to no one but him.

Though he could only stare for a few moments, he eventually did speak.

“More than I can express.”

You looked at the hand in your grasp. You saw and felt his thumb try its best at a comforting motion. The rhythm was too off to be actually comforting due to the slight tremor in his hand, but the attempt made you smile wider.

“I was afraid, Essek.” You said so earnestly it made his heart ache for you in a way so unfamiliar. “I thought you only kept me around for the stress relief. For the services I provided.”

His mistakes ran deeper than he had thought.

“I still do, I’m afraid.” He feared his heart would shatter if you kept telling him in what ways he had hurt you.

You were so dear to him that he cursed his inability to speak what he held in his heart. His heart whose icy walls you melted so effortlessly, his heart wherein you had settled in the biggest space, bigger than his family could ever hope to take up.

He knew he wasn’t worth the selfless love and affection you showed him while he gave so little in return. His mind could not comprehend why you would keep him around. You weren’t the kind to see him as a trophy, you weren’t the kind to see his status and looks. You were the one who got closest to seeing him for him, you knew him so tenderly.

He did not know how to return it all, did not know how to show you the depth of what the felt. From gratitude to nothing but utter adoration for your every character quirk. The love he couldn’t, you showed so freely and widely.

It wasn’t fair to you, you deserved something more, something more promising.

Someone who hadn’t caused thousands to die for his own selfish reasons.

It was something he had come to regret so deeply. Another thing he couldn’t put into words. Another thought that existed merely in his head.

And it all became too much. The hate that ran through his veins, the hate he had for his circumstances. The hate the held for himself and his inability to give instead of taking, taking, taking everything away.

It had felt so cathartic when he had first opened up to you, however small that part of his worries was. He had felt loved.

So he simply let go. A leap of faith into your awaiting arms.

“I did things I thought were necessary to become happy. I did things I thought were right and good and just. I did things I only realized later were wrong and bad and cruel. You and the Nein. You made all the difference.” The words did not stop.

“ _You_ made all the difference, my light, you made me feel in ways I had always dismissed. You’re brilliant and smart and kind and beautiful. You made me feel loved and seen and appreciated and you made me feel genuinely happy for a change, too.” The tears threatened to fall.

“I suppose I was afraid of what it would entail, all those mistakes I had made. It was too late to turn back as much as I wanted to. The damage was done, and I realized I could never become someone worthy of your love. By the gods, I could never even tell you how deep my love for you runs. I am undeserving of every ounce of kindness I have been—”

You did not hesitate to pull him into your embrace.

And the tears did fall.

The two of you wept and cried into each other’s arms. The fears and the sadness you held for one another, the fear of losing, the fear of being vulnerable, sadness for a lover that succumbed to worry and self-hate.

You whispered gently, yet gravely, into his ear.

“Starlight, I always understood.” Soothing, loving. “All the subtle things you did, I saw, and I understood. I doubted not because of you, but because of my own fears.”

You had seen him, you always had.

He peeled himself from your grasp and put his free hand to your cheek. Soothing, loving, he caressed it.

And you put your hand over his, nuzzled into it, and pressed your lips into the palm of his hand.

“My love is not something you have to earn.” You spoke. “It is something you were made for just the way you are.” His chest warmed at your words.

“In all my happy memories, you were there.” He brought himself to say. “And when you were not, you were on my mind. I’m in love with you.”

As the sun peaked over the horizon in all her brilliance and as he felt your lips on his, Essek thought that maybe he could be different in the morning, too.

**Author's Note:**

> I need you guys to know that the M9 were 100% peeping from behind a tree. You just KNOW they were ready to fuck Essek up should he try some BS with their friend.


End file.
